Self Worth: Happy Birthday to Me

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Self Worth: Happy Birthday to Me, on the Be Free Respect Podcast

My Birthday Month

Last month, January 2025, was my birthday month. I noticed that the gray cloud that I’ve been so familiar with this time of the year, every year, didn’t seem present. Or, at least, not as prominent.

My birthday month.

It traditionally brings emotions of sadness. A sense of deflated self-worth. It doesn’t take much to trigger tears.

I don’t know why I experience this. But it’s simply there. And because it has been there for so long, I have learned to expect it. So it continues. Year after year.

Self Worth

Let’s examine that diminished self-worth a minute before we move on. I had allowed myself, or conditioned myself, or had been genetically predisposed to this feeling. I’ve examined it periodically through the years, but who knows why I experience this. The reason is unimportant.

I’ve often felt that my worth is dependent on what I can provide others. This is my view. This doesn’t mean it’s true. I’m just sharing honest inner feelings. I share this statement because I know it is a human emotion that is shared by many. Of course, this is also something I am working on, and succeeding at changing. Unraveling old habits of a way of feeling.

Basing our self worth on what we give of ourselves and how we please others can start at an early age. That training. Understanding this helps me to recognize the need to alter word choice when talking with kids. How often do we tell a child, for example, things like, “It makes me happy when you _______.” This is common practice. I hear myself say this to my grandkids sometimes. And when I hear those words it simply has me working harder to change them. But this simple statement trains us from our earliest years that it is up to us to make others happy. And it trains us to seek approval from others.

What if. . . Instead of conditioning our kids to seek our approval, or make it their goal to please us, we practice turning that approval seeking inward. For example: “I bet it makes you feel good when you put your things away.” and “How do you feel when _____?” Make their feelings important. Encourage them to respect their emotions as important.

A little side-note funny. As an early childhood educator I learned the importance of intrinsic versus external gratification. When a child would present me with a piece of artwork and ask, “Do you like it?,” I’d turn it back to them. “Do you like it? Tell me about your picture.” It is this practice that I continue with my grandkids. One day, when my grandson was four or five, he asked me that popular question. “Do you like my picture?” My older granddaughter told him, “Don’t ask her; she’ll just ask you if you like it.” This gave me such a good laugh then and it continues to bring a smile to my face. And now he says the same thing to the younger ones.

Turning Inwards

Brain retraining tools, gratitude practice, and choosing to increase my practice of sitting with nature is helping me to lift myself to a place of increased inner joy. Inner peace. It is helping me to turn inwards. It has, without doubt, helped me to reach this birthday month in a brighter way. And it helped me to choose to do something just for myself. Because I am important and I am worthy just as I am.

For the past few years or more, I’ve had thoughts of taking a trip, by myself, on my birthday. For one thing, I needed something to break that yearly cycle. But above that, I had to let myself know that I am worthy of doing something just for myself.

And this year I did it. Happy 65th birthday to me.

I made reservations at a lodge an hour from home. It’s at a national park where I’ve hiked many times before. I love the lodge that offers an expansive great room with tables, cushioned seating, windows, and a lovely stone fireplace.

I waited until the day before my birthday to make my reservation, however. My confidence wasn’t 100%. My emotions started to sneak in through the crevices. I almost allowed myself to back out of my little dream, wondering if I should really do this.

But I gently nudged that thought away in order to allow the stronger voice within me that encouraged me to take this trip. My GPS was kind and loving and it gave me an inner knowing that this was something I needed to do. It was something I could do. It wasn’t 100% comfortable, but there was a 100% knowing that this was something I was supposed to do.

So I did.

Reading, Writing, and Connecting With Nature

My goal for this trip was simple. Write. Read. Go for walks.

Like I said, I’ve been to this park several times before. Mostly in the fall. It offers fabulous walking trails and always leaves me feeling full and complete. I didn’t plan to hit the trails on this trip; we’re in the middle of a winter thaw and I didn’t think the trails would be in ideal condition. But there are some paved paths. I didn’t need much.

I arrived before check in on day one and did what I had previously envisioned myself doing. Simply sitting in that great room. Writing.

My passion for writing has returned in recent weeks. Getting up each morning and click clacking away on my keyboard feels good. When this passion hits, the words seem to flow with ease. My goal during this getaway was to complete a particular project I’ve been working on.

Along with writing, I wanted to simply sit with my Kindle and continue reading a book I recently felt guided to download.

Day 1

I wrote. I gazed out the window from the great room. I people watched.

When it was time to check in, I retrieved my bags from my car, put them in my room, and then took a little walk.

It was a beautiful sunny day. Fifty degrees. Snow melting but some still present. The air had hints of spring in it, even though it’s still January. The sound of hundreds of seagulls across the highway had me stopping and simply listening.

Back in my room, I stood on my grounding mat while tapping to one of Brad Yates’ videos on YouTube. Tapping is also known as EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique. I’ve been doing this for a year now, and it’s lovely.

I meditated for another fifteen minutes and then went back downstairs to write some more.

Peaceful. Lovely.

The lodge offers a package that covers accommodations, dinner and breakfast, and two drink vouchers. I grabbed my dinner voucher, one drink voucher, my tip money, and my Kindle and went to the restaurant.

At an earlier time in my life I might have felt self conscious about dining alone. There wasn’t a hint of it, however. I was content. I was happy. I ordered a glass of chardonnay while waiting for my dinner. And I opened my Kindle to a book I felt inspired to purchase a couple weeks earlier. Dr. Wayne Dyer’s, I Can See Clearly Now.

I have grown to know Dr. Wayne Dyer more through these past few years since beginning my brain retraining journey. I’ve listened to him often on YouTube. I’ve fallen asleep to a mediation of his many, many times. The sound of his voice is clear inside my own head. Reading his words is through the sound of his voice. And his words just continue to flow easily as I read.

It's Okay to Dine Out Alone

My dinner arrives and I continue reading between bites.

It’s peaceful.

It’s joyful.

And on so many occasions his words resonate with me. I feel strongly this book was meant for me to read at this time. Coinciding with my own writing, I feel a greater significance in the meaning of my writing, if for no one else but for myself.

Five years ago, three years ago, or even six months ago, this book wouldn’t have meant to me what it does now. But reading it is helping to give me a deeper understanding of myself. And the guidance that brought what I am currently writing and what I am currently reading together could only have been orchestrated through something much higher than this physical plane.

Thank you, once again, GPS.

The evening was spent in front of that amazing stone fireplace while I wrote, and wrote, and wrote some more while sipping on my second glass of wine. All was right in my little world. It was heavenly.

Day 2

Breakfast was a repeat of dinner, replacing the wine with coffee, and the salad with eggs and bacon. It was another relaxing meal that I shared with Dr. Wayne Dyer.

I wrote more. I meditated more. I did a couple more tapping videos. And I took a couple more walks, one in the morning, and one in the afternoon at the marina to enjoy watching and listening to the seagulls.

It was perfect.

It was peaceful.

It was fulfilling.

That evening, I went down to the restaurant with my dinner and drink voucher, tip money, and my Kindle. Instead of ordering from the option to order from the allowed package menu, however, the restaurant had a buffet that night. Fried chicken, prime rib, mashed potatoes and gravy, salad. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

I asked them to check with the kitchen what on the buffet was safe for my gluten-free needs.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

This time I was even told that none of the salad dressings were gluten free.

Whaaaat?

I wasn’t demanding. I wasn’t pushy. I didn’t ask for anything special. But gosh darn it, this sucked! And those reminiscent emotions that were connected to my diet—feelings I thought I had overcome—resurfaced.

Emotions From the Past

Here I stood, age 65, feeling like a small child wanting to cry.

The kitchen staff refused to even cook a single chicken breast that the sweet server from the night before requested from them. She tried. The grills were off and they weren’t getting turned back on.

I felt like I was living back in the early 2000s after my celiac diagnosis.

I am used to bringing my own food. I had a backup of egg salad in my little cooler in my room. I also had snacks of rice cakes and peanut butter. This particular lodge doesn’t offer microwaves and refrigerators in their rooms, so bringing a plate to heat up wouldn’t have even been an option.

I had been looking forward to this relaxing time of the day. My wine. My book. My meal.

But instead, I left in anger and the threat of tears.

Ironic

It was seriously ironic. I had just finished a second edit of a compilation of past blog posts as they related to the emotional side of dietary differences. As I shared in the writing that I completed that day, those less pleasant emotions were in my past.

Oops.

Ironic indeed.

I went back to my room feeling deflated. Feeling small. Feeling unworthy.

Yes, unworthy.

And I realized the connection to those emotions that can be connected to this diet can be connected to a lack of worthiness.

I’m not worthy enough to eat dinner tonight.

I’m not worthy enough to throw a chicken breast or a burger patty on the grill.

I’m not worthy enough for a restaurant to understand the ingredients in their food.

Of course it wasn’t really personal. But that was a self-pity emotion that surfaced.

I started to think about my introduction to Abraham Hicks a couple years ago and my growing understanding of the law of attraction that has speckled its way through my journey these past few years. Through the current writing I was doing, I had been putting an increased focus on the emotional side of gluten free. And here now was an opportunity to revisit this past emotion.

Did I attract this?

You know how when you search something on the computer you start seeing more and more ads and information about that product or topic? Did I attract this to myself?

And I had to laugh a bit as I pulled myself together.

I didn’t want to allow those emotions and that experience to overshadow all the good I’d been experiencing so far. I had a choice in how to view it.

So I chose to turn myself around.

Choice.

I got the egg salad and a little jar of olives out of my cooler. And I enjoyed it.

And then I put my laptop, my Kindle, my glasses, and my two drink vouchers into my backpack and went back downstairs.

GPS Gratitude

In the middle of my mini internal tirade after being told that there was NOTHING I could eat at that restaurant for dinner, I felt another purpose for me being there.

The young hostess at the counter started to ask me questions. “Is it a digestive issue?” Like me when I was her age, she certainly didn’t look sick. But she shared some things with me about her health and her journey in seeking answers for herself. Our conversation was sprinkled between attempts to find out if I was going to get dinner that night. My natural need to educate was rained on by this change in dinner plans.

When she stepped away to seat other guests I wrote on a piece of paper: Request testing for celiac. And then I left.

I returned to my room for my egg salad and olives, and a mood adjustment before going back downstairs.

Before finding a place to sit in the lodge’s great room in order to settle in for an evening of writing, I returned to the restaurant. I wanted to exchange one of my drink vouchers for my first glass of wine for the evening, but more, I wanted to talk to the hostess again. I was more composed and more focused on what I ultimately enjoy—helping others.

She shared more about her symptoms, symptoms that rang loudly to me of celiac. As you surely know by now, I’m not a physician, but gosh darn it, I have seen far too often when every other test under the moon is issued before celiac testing. Celiac isn’t rare. I reiterated to her to be sure that they completed celiac testing.

Brain Body Factor

As I’m learning through these past few years, since starting my brain rewiring journey, we have great capability to impact our health through the direction in which we place our thought. I’ve seen testimonial after testimonial from men and women who have faced various autoimmune issues, food related issues, chemical sensitivity, mold illness, and, through brain retraining, are now living healthy normal lives.

I believe this.

I truly do.

I have experienced, and continue to experience, improvements of my own.

If you follow me for my brain retraining journey and wonder why I am still gluten free or why I still encourage celiac testing, this is why. Sometimes we need a step in between. It can be easier to comprehend the need to remove gluten than it is to comprehend altering our neural circuitry. My focus on, and improvements in, my reactions to fragrance chemicals is where I’m keeping my retraining journey for now.

From what I understand, the person retraining for mold illness or chemical sensitivity has more success in brain retraining by removing themselves from living situations where these conditions exist. And gradually, through incremental training, they retrain their brains not to react. From my viewpoint, I see celiac and food reactions the same way.

A celiac diagnosis and a gluten-free diet was a monumental shift in my life—for the better. I don’t have the personal need at this point to retrain on something that I have seen as a blessing in my life for over two decades now.

Do Something Just For You

Whew, this was a long post. If you’ve stuck with me to this point, let me offer you one last thing. Don’t wait until you’re 65 years old to take a trip just for yourself —or to simply explore something new.